By Frank Mulligan
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There are subtle indications that your perspective on Christmas may be Grinch-like. For instance, do you steadfastly maintain that elves are illegal immigrants?
Other hints that your heart is Grinchily tiny when it comes to the Christmas season include the following:
· You call the fire deptartment on people roasting chestnuts on an open fire.
· Likewise on those decking the halls with boughs of holly – clearly a potential fire hazard.
· Your favorite characters in a “A Christmas Story” are the Bumpus family’s hound dogs.
· You think “Jingle Bell Rock” is too “gangsta.”
· You like the tree in “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”
· You like to point out the biological improbabilities posed by Frosty the Snowman’s existence.
· Your favorite character in “It’s a Wonderful Life” is Mr. Potter.
· You think Ebenezer Scrooge would make a good GOP candidate, if he just toughened up a bit.
· You’ve committed the lyrics to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” to memory.
· You’ve written a point-by-point rebuttal to “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.”
· You like to say that Santa and Satan are anagrams.
· You believe kissing under the mistletoe should be legally prohibited on hygienic grounds.
· You tell your kids that the surging demand for coal in the Far East makes it an ideal stocking stuffer.
· You prefer the word Xmas to Christmas.
· You refuse to leave Santa a snack because you say the practice promotes breaking and entering.
· You say that Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer’s flight was a clear violation of FAA regulations.
· Your favorite Christmas tree decoration is the plain string used to join popcorn and cranberry chains.
· You have a “I don’t brake for carolers” bumper sticker.
· You accuse toy-making elves of union busting.
· You wrote your congressman complaining that the importation of toys from the North Pole violates the North American Free Trade Agreement.
· You hope for rain on Christmas Day.
· Your favorite Christmas movie is “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.”
· You recommended a 50-cent grab-gift limit at work, claiming it would be “retro.”
· You think the lyrics to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” indicate a restraining order is needed. How else do you deal with an individual who warns children they “better not cry,” because he “sees you when you’re sleeping?”
If you’ve answered affirmatively to any of the above, you should take one candy cane per day prior to mealtimes up until Christmas Eve.
If you’ve answered affirmatively to more than half of the above, you should immediately give serious consideration to dancing and prancing in Jingle Bell square, in the frosty air - provided you’ve cleared the activity with your primary care physician.
If you’ve answered affirmatively to all of the above, “you have termites in your smile,” and “all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile, Mr. Grinch.”
Wareham (Massachusetts) Courier editor Frank Mulligan can be reached at email@example.com. This is a classic column, not because it’s necessarily any good but because it appeared in a prior edition.
Frank Talk: Are you a Grinch?
By Frank Mulligan