The older I get the more I realize how little I know.
The classic comedian W.C. Fields had a great joke in one of his films where his wife called him a “Perfect Idiot.” Field’s comeback was, “There is no such thing as perfect.”
As far as understanding the simple mysteries of the world, that describes me to a “T”. Like Fields, I’m clearly a not-so-perfect idiot.
My list of those simple mysteries that surround us continues to grow.
Here are some perfect - or maybe not-so-perfect - examples that come to mind:
1) Why is it the more hair I lose off the top of my head, the more hair grows in my ears?
2) When the phone rings, why does someone always say, “Is that the phone?”
3) What did moths do at night before there were electric lights?
4) Why do elevators have signs that say, “Maximum load allowed 1,400 lbs.” And why do they always put the signs inside where it’s too late to do anything about it? What should be done at that point? Are you supposed to turn to the occupants and say, “I believe I’m about 250-pounds. How much do the rest of you weigh?” Do you ask the heavier people to step off until you get to the allowed weight limit?
5) How is it that no matter how carefully you examine potted house plants before purchasing, you always choose the one that has a terminal illness?
6) Why are planes, trains and buses on time when you are late, but late when you are on time?
7) Why couldn’t Dick Vital, the college basketball commentator, have found something quieter to do for a living, or at least take his vacation during “March Madness?”
8) Why do we press harder on the remote when the batteries are dead?
9) Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
10) If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
11) Have you noticed that since everyone has video capability on their phones these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
12) Why is it that in the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird, and now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it normal?
13) Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
14) Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
15) How did somebody ever invent solitaire? This has been bothering me for years. You could give me a pack of cards and all the time in the world with a reward of $1 million, and it would never occur to me to lay cards over in seven unequal piles, proceed to turn the remaining cards over three at a time, array those cards in descending order by alternate color, make four additional piles on top and put cards there in ascending order by suit, and all the rest of it.
That would just never, I mean NEVER, occur to me. EVER. (I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.)
16) Last, but not least, why would anyone in a free and open society choose a career as a proctologist?