If you’re like me and you have a hard time finding something entertaining to watch on TV, you should consider watching your locally produced news show. There’s probably not a better way to escape reality, with the exception of a going on a 151 Rum binge drinking spree, than one of these news shows. No matter where you live, these so call news shows have basically the same format, with names like Eyewitness On-The-Scene Action News Team.

Most of these local news programs give a whole new view to the news. For example; unless one of the Eyewitness Team can stand in front of something that has crashed or is burning, especially when a crowd has formed on the scene, it isn’t considered news.

The shows usually begin with some exciting music from, say, one of the Star War movies while pictures float across the screen of the local news personalities: Anchorman Evan Eastlake, Reporter Heather Anderson, Genial Sports Personality Mark DaMann and Humorous Weatherperson Danny Doppler.

“Tonight we have actual color film of a burning building, actual color film of a building where several people shot at each other, actual color film of two cars that crashed earlier today and actual color film of another burning building,” says a smiling Anchorman Evan Eastlake, who uses enough hair spry to single handedly effect the ozone. “But for the big story tonight, we go to the Dairy Delight at the local strip mall where On-The-Scene Reporter Heather Anderson is standing live with a report on how yogurt can kill you.”

Heather, standing in front of a wildly waving crowd that is making complete fools of themselves trying to get on camera says, “Thanks, Evan. Actually, there is no real proof that yogurt can kill you, but we are continuing to monitor the situation here at the Tri-County-Mall. Back to you in the studio.”

“Evan Eastlake here. Now let’s hear from Mark DaMann with an up-to-date sports report.”

“Thanks, Big E. In sports the Rockies lose their 40 th game in a row by the score of 10-0, but Manager Jim Tracy feels they’re just about to turn the corner and maybe get a win before the All Star break. Also we’ve noticed that Peyton Manning’s neck seems to be getting longer every week.”

“Now for the current weather forecast we go to our humorous weatherperson, Danny Doppler. Ha, Ha, Ha. What do you have for us Dan?”

“Well, Evan, as you can see from this satellite photo, a tropical high coming up from the gulf and a continental low coming down from Canada will meet directly over the tri-county area, with numerous deadly tornadoes a definite possibility within the next ten minutes. We here at the Fear-Plex Weather Central are urging everybody within the potentially affected area to become completely panic stricken, because this thing could reach a Category Nine Storm, which means we could have winds capable of ripping the udder right off a standing cow.”

“Thanks Dan, it’s always good to hear from you, but because of that report I think we’ll cut the show a little short tonight. Tomorrow, if Heather is still with us we’ll have some actual color film of her standing where the Dairy Delight once stood in a follow up on her yogurt death watch. This is Even Eastlake signing off for all of us here at Eyewitness On-The-Scene Action News Team, may the winds always be at your back.”

Now tell me this sort of programming isn’t top notch TV entertainment.