One morning after I dropped the kids off at school, I decided to stop off at our local coffee shop on the way home and treat myself to a cup of Joe. I don’t usually do this because, as I have mentioned many times before, I often drive in my bathrobe and everyone in my town hits the local coffee shop in the morning, and there is really no reason to confirm the fact that I drive in my bathrobe by walking into the local coffee shop in it.

One morning after I dropped the kids off at school, I decided to stop off at our local coffee shop on the way home and treat myself to a cup of Joe. I don’t usually do this because, as I have mentioned many times before, I often drive in my bathrobe and everyone in my town hits the local coffee shop in the morning, and there is really no reason to confirm the fact that I drive in my bathrobe by walking into the local coffee shop in it.


But today I actually had clothes on, so I stopped.


All was going well until it came time for me to pay. I reached into my bag, took out my wallet and looked inside.


It was empty.


Fortunately I know the guys at the coffee shop pretty well and they comped me the coffee until next time. However, I was kind of embarrassed and completely mystified. Clearly I would not have stopped to get coffee if I KNEW I had no money. I knew I had money the night before when I stopped at the supermarket to pick up something for dinner. Therefore, I concluded that sometime between dinner and breakfast, I was robbed. The only problem was, the whole time between dinner and breakfast, I was home. This meant I was robbed by someone in my family. (See how watching all those episodes of “Law and Order” helped me figure that out!)


Realizing I might be jumping to conclusions, I first thought about the possibility that I had misplaced my money. Since I am me, and I do things like that, it was not completely out of the question. For instance, one time I came home from the supermarket and later, was unable to find my keys. I finally found them in the refrigerator.


The bologna was in my pocketbook.


Recalling this incident, I got up and looked in the fridge. No money.


There was, however, a half eaten bagel from breakfast, so I took that out, and ate it with my contraband cup of coffee. Then I sat and tried to reason out who the culprit was who stole my money.


I didn’t think the dog did it because he gets his kibble for free.


The chinchilla and lizard are in cages, which would make it tricky for them to get access to my pocketbook. But they have escaped before and I have seen the chinchilla peel a sunflower seed so it’s possible he could have opened the cage, gone to my wallet, taken out the money, and returned to the cage. However, he prefers to shred paper, rather than spend it, and there were no shredded Benjamins in his cage, so I ruled him out.


I was pretty sure none of the fish had done it, because they would have had to leave their tank, which presented a whole slew of problems, the least of which was they can’t walk, and also, they can’t breathe outside of the water. Since there were no dead fish in or around the place where my pocketbook had been, I concluded the fish were innocent.


The husband was away, so he was in the clear.


This just left the kids.


I got out my cell phone and texted them both.


“Did one of you visit the Bank of Mommy this morning?” I typed.


I waited.


Kid No. 1 texted back, “Huh?”


Kid No. 2 texted back, “Maybe.”


My money was on kid No. 2.


Or more accurately, my money was WITH kid No. 2.


For more Lost in Suburbia, visit Tracy’s blog at www.lostinsuburbia.net.